Category Archives: Funny Stories

I’m Back

Did you miss me? Sorry it has been so incredibly long since I last let you in on the gory details of my life and the ridiculous adventures that I have …. I have good excuses though, I swear!

For those of you reading my blog that don’t go to school with me, I am a college graduate of less than a week. I graduated this past Sunday with a degree in theatre, so now I’m one step closer to becoming a “real person.” That’s why I haven’t been blogging though … I chose to spend my last little bit of time at Miami with my friends rather than behind a computer writing blog posts, and I certainly don’t regret it.

Now, however, I’m working at summer camp and so I definitely have time for blogging again. Especially over these next 3 weeks when I’m only working 4 hours a day or so. So, to give you the run-down, I’m going to be supervising the staff at my camp that runs the high ropes course, low ropes course, vertical playground, giant swing and climbing tower. For the next 3 weeks, though, I’m going to be supervising a different staff that helps to run these camps for 6th graders from a school in the area, so I have a lot less work which is really quite nice. At least a little bit of time to  relax, even though I still have to go home every weekend (4 hour drive) for like a day, just to come right back. But my brother is also graduating, and we are having a graduation party which at least should get me some money. Yay!

I feel as though I should give you a digest of drunken stories that I remember, even if there aren’t many. I tended to either brown or black out just about every night and since we were literally going out every single night of the week, it got intense.

I could tell you about how I am THE lesbian at Miami, or rather I was. But since I’m graduating, I have to be replaced and after months of debate, we found my replacement. A group of us drunk-dialed her to inform her that she was going to become THE lesbian. I think she digs it.

Also, I could tell you about one of the many times we were at my favorite classy bar. (The place where averagemoe and I like to drink absinthe.) We were at this bar, probably 12 or 15 of us, and they were $80 away from breaking a $9,000 sales night which would have been a record. Averagemoe drunkenly felt a brown obligation to help them break their sales record by offering to buy the entire group a round of drinks. I got to be the drink orderer, as is right. It was a beautiful thing.

Or, I could tell you about the time that we went dancing and this creepy short man tried to dance with all t he girls in our group, until one girl flipped him off and I told him “You’re not as charming as you think you are.” He left and proceeded to pee in a corner. On the dance floor.

That’s all that I remember. The rest is kind of a blur. I’ll blog again soon.

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Posted by on 14 May 2011 in Drinking Tales, Funny Stories, Just Me


I’m scared

Of some weird shit.

What could I possibly be afraid of, being the big scary lesbian that I am?

Well, thunderstorms for one. But at least that’s pretty normal.

Another weird fear?

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Gum – like, I think it’s gross. And it sounds gross and smells disgusting and when people blow bubbles I want to vomit. Not only that though, the sight of chewed gum makes me want to cry. It genuinely stresses me out. If I’m eating with someone and they take gum out of their mouth to eat and set it on their plate or something, I can’t focus on anything because I’m too weirded out.

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I HATE JELLO. It’s funny, because I JUST blogged about jello shots, but the only way I’ll consume jello is if it will make me drunk. Otherwise, I won’t touch the stuff. I think the other reason I’m ok with jello shots is because they jiggle less than other jello things. They’re small and well-contained. Once, one summer when I was working at camp, my campers knew I was scared of jello .. one night at dinner, they brought out a tray of jello cubes for desert. My campers threw them at me. Little shits.

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My weirdest fear … drains. I don’t know exactly where this one came from, but I have an inexplicable fear of drains. I won’t touch them. I think it’s because for some reason I think something could come out of them, but I don’t really know … Judge me all you want, but it seriously impairs my ability to clean the kitchen sink or the bathroom!

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Posted by on 21 April 2011 in Funny Stories, Just Me


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An Epic Disney Adventure!

Abu, Genie, Aladdin, Jasmine, Raja, Magic Carpet (in front of us all)

This weekend, we celebrated a good friend’s 21st birthday.

It was disney themed.

It was a win.

Ok, story of the night. We got chipotle, and ran to the store to pick up costume supplies (paint and fabric) and then headed home to start getting ready and make jello shots.

We made 70 jello shots (HUGE jello shots) and put them away to harden while we did  things like make hats and tassels and paint ourselves.

We were all characters from Aladdin. I was Aladdin, obviously, as the general ring-leader of the group, and plainlymoe was the Genie.

After finishing our costumes, the jello shots were just about ready so along with a few other friends, several of us did at least a jello shot per minute. I did 12 in 12. I was impressed. I then moved on to 100 proof that my wonderful friend who was in town visiting brought me! He decided it was no longer April, but actually December, and so I deserved a present for my birthday. #win

Then we headed to the party, nommed on some jungle juice (delish) and then my fellow bow-tie lover and I proceeded to school bitches at beer pong for 3 games before I got a bit too drunk and lost my ability to bounce and therefore we lost.

Then, it was back to the jungle juice. People had really started showing up. Someone broke the stairs a little bit. Plainlymoe and I did the Born this Way dance, and we rocked out to Judas and some Bieber.

THEN, I discovered the most magical ability of my magic lamp … you can drink out of it! I’m pretty sure that I made every single person at the party drink from it.

I had a photoshoot, where I tried to get rid of my drunk eyes, but I actually just opened them really big and looked scary.

Then, we headed home, and I stole a sign that said “absolutely for rent” because it reminded me of the vodka.

We obviously headed through mcdonalds on the way home, and it was 5 am so they were only selling breakfast food which made me extremely happy!

Then I passed out.

Aladdin and crew will be returning in 2 weeks.



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Posted by on 19 April 2011 in Drinking Tales, Funny Stories


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Drunk Cleaning

Does anyone else do this?

(I know I blogged about this on my old blog, so sorry to those of you that read that. But not really, cause let’s be honest … I don’t really give a shit.)

But like, for real! I’m a huge fan of drunk cleaning.

Like, one night we had spilled red wine all over the floor, there were cups and beer cans and a beer pong table in the living room, and dirty dishes. I, at around 6 am, after a night of partying, cleaned it all up. Now, let’s be real. I don’t remember cleaning on this particular occasion, but that’s not important. What’s important is that I woke up with a hangover and expected a dirty house but I had mopped and shit the night before! Bloody fucking brilliant!

And this week, our house has been gross. Plus we still had the sign that we stole all up in the living room. I got home from karaoke night around 2 am, and boom! Cleaned! The dishes all got done, and my laundry was put away and I got rid of the sign and picked up trash … Awesome

I mostly like washing dishes when drunk. This was especially helpful in years past, when we didn’t have a dishwasher, although still nice this year.

The one thing that drunk cleaning DOESN’T do for me, that I wish it did, is get rid of my fucking irrational fear of drains. (I’ll blog about that later this week or next week.)

Do any of you drunk clean? Anyone want me to clean their house? Just get me drunk and your house will be beautiful! (Yes, you can in fact hire me.)




Posted by on 13 April 2011 in Drinking Tales, Funny Stories


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Just Another Night

Last night was, in fact, a night.

I started it off by seeing The Wiz, which was quite enjoyable!

Following the show, there were several parties that were begging to be attended.

It was already midnight by the time we got to start drinking, so we were feeling a little tired and decided that the alcohol must be consumed quickly. I had already prepared drinking packages for my friend and I:


The vodka was for me, the x-rated for him (yes, he’s gay.) Throw in a few packs of shot glasses, sugar and orange slices and stuff it all in a bag and you’re ready to go!

The happiest little bag in the world, I think. Then it was off to the wizard sticks party! What is a wizard stick party, you ask? Well, you can find a simple explanation here.

Luckily, for the sake of those not so inclined to drink beer, they also allowed for you to create a “wizard wand” where each shot glass is like a beer. I drank 13 shots in somewhere around 20 minutes. My night went well, and I didn’t die.

After some time spent there, it was on to the next party, where I’m sure many great conversations were had, and shenanigans took place. I don’t remember.

As it got later, 4 of us decided to return to my house to make grilled cheese. The grilled cheese happened, but not before picking up a “snow route” sign and taking it home.

I woke up this morning and my living room consisted of grilled cheese remnants, wizard wands, and a snow route sign still on the pole that is taller than the ceiling in my living room.

I win again.




Posted by on 10 April 2011 in Drinking Tales, Funny Stories


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Porn Porn Porn Porn

My roommates and I have had a long-standing fascination with strange porn. Weird story lines, goofy dialogue, weird situations, and so on and so forth. One roommate in particular brought out this obsession in the rest of us.

We now have a little thing going, where we always share the ridiculous porn that we find. I have stories.

One time, and by one time I mean I don’t even know how many times, drag queens gathered around one single computer to watch gay porn. And by drag queens I mean drag queens, but also countless other gay men. I usually stay away. Too many balls freak me out.

Once, I found a ridiculous porn (series) called “Lesbian Strap-on Battle” … Basically, two or three women “wrestle” and then the winner fucks the other with a strap-on. It’s classy shit and always leads to giggles and/or tears, depending on the gender and sexual orientation of the person watching.

Our long-standing favorite, however, is a classic. Based on Dicken’s “Oliver Twist” this lovely gay porn is called “Oliver Twink” …. I’ll leave most of it to your imagination, but let me just say that one scene entails dishing out porridge. Oliver Twink says to the porridge distributor “Please sir, I want some more” … the porridge man responds “More? MORE? I’ll give you more!!!” and then proceeds to spank Oliver Twink with the ladle. All around classy.

Best porns you’ve seen? Worst? I want to know!


PS – I recently learned that there is a large amount of Bart Simpson porn

PPS – Remember the internet rule … if you can think of it, a porn exists of it.


Happy watching,



Posted by on 8 April 2011 in Funny Stories, Gay Boy Problem


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This is just a question …

Do straight guys commonly tell each other to suck it? Because it was claimed last night that they do say it quite frequently. I can accept this, BUT it really seems quite gay. Can someone shed some light?

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Posted by on 31 March 2011 in Funny Stories


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